What is the main culprit of marriage problems?
Many say it all boils down to communication. Or communication problems to be exact. You either communicate ineffectively or worse, you don’t communicate at all.
However I choose to think differently. While communication is important (as you will see later), but the foundation of a good marriage is nothing more than to feel loved and appreciated by your partner.
But thereâ€™s a trickâ€¦
You have to appreciate your partner correctly. The magic lies in the word â€œcorrectly.â€
Yes, there is a proper way to show your appreciation. Failing which, your partner will not feel it even though you have done your best.
Imagine you have taken out the trash and your wife still feeling unappreciated?
Imagine you have said “I love you” a thousand times in 24 hours but your husband still complains you don’t love him enough?
I can imagine the frustration in you when your efforts to build a better marriage go unnoticed or unappreciated.
If this is left unattended, the problems will pile up and one day they will explode and calling a divorce lawyer seems to be the only way forward.
Maintaining a Good Marriage is Easy if You Know How
But before you call up your lawyer, you can do something to stop this: you must know the primary love language of your partner.
When you do, you can do something to show how much you appreciate your partner with absolute certainty that he or she would feel your appreciation – 100%.
Overall there are five types of love languages. No I didn’t create this. The man who is behind these love languages is none other than the internationally renowned marriage and family expert, Dr. Gary Chapman.
Based on his more than 30 years working with married couples, Dr. Gary has concluded that love languages are basically fall into five categories. The person will feel truly appreciated if the expression of love is done based on his or her primary love language â€“ which would be one of the following:
1. Acts of service â€“ Helping out in housework means a lot to your mate. If you are lazy, often break promises, then you are in deep trouble.
2. Words of affirmation â€“ Saying â€œI love you,â€ or â€œI support you no matter what you doâ€ mean the world to your partner. To feel loved, he or she wants to hear something nice and supportive from you.
3. Getting gifts â€“ We always think that people love to receive gifts but this is not entirely true â€“ only 20% correct. A well thought of gift is more than enough to make your partner feel loved, not necessarily the most expensive gifts. People who have this as primary love language love to get nice, little gifts as surprises.
4. Physical touch â€“ Simple touching is all your partner wants. This can be touching hands, patting on the back, hugging, and kissing.
5. Quality time â€“ Being there for your mate means more than anything else. You focus on nothing but your partner. No TV, no newspaper. What you do together is not important as long as you have undivided attention for your partner.
The Fool-Proof Way to a Better Marriage
So how do you use Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages for a better marriage?
It is simple. Tell your partner your primary love language. And let him or her know this is how he or she should communicate love to you.
If you don’t know what your primary love language, take this quick online quiz to find out your emotional communication preference. The test is courtesy of Dr. Gary Chapman. It takes about 10 minutes or less. Click Get Started button to start.
Now that your partner knows what turns you on as far as showing appreciation is concerned, this would definitely lead both of you to a more fulfilling marriage in no time. You can use it to connect more deeply with your loved one to increase intimacy and fulfillment.
In the same way, you must show your love based on your partnerâ€™s primary love language â€“ to express your affection for your mate in ways that he or she interprets as love.
The reward of speaking each other’s love language is you connect with greater sense and fulfillment. As Dr. Gary says, this transforms into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance. All ingredients you need for a better marriage.
My Own Experience
Just two weeks ago, I felt left out when my wife paid more attention to my children than to me. Naturally I felt jealous.
To top it off, I felt I was not being appreciated by my wife. She never showed a single sign of appreciation of all the things that I had done for her and the kids.
It dawned on me that the only way out was to communicate with my wife openly. And in our frank conversation, I told her that I was being left out and I felt unappreciated.
My wife was shocked! She thought she had done her best to show how much she appreciated and loved me. The problem was she was not doing anything of that sort that spoke my primary love language. She spoke the wrong love language, so to speak.
She thought that by cooking a nice, warm meal for me would satisfy my crave for love and appreciation. Obviously, I didnâ€™t feel the same way as it was just another normal meal to me.
Little did she know, I needed something else.
Then I told her that my main love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation (yes some people have more than one primary love language. I am being one of them). She got a â€œrude awakening.â€ She came to realize that all her past efforts to please me were on the wrong side!
Communication is very important. Also in the same conversation, I came to know that my wife’s primary love language is acts of service. Now I know what to focus on when I need to show my wife how much I love her (Damn, that reminds me of the lawn I need to mow). Plus I am extremely happy to find out that I don’t need to spend a large amount of money on diamonds and handbags on her 🙂
After that enlightening conversation with my wife, I now get more kisses, hugs, and touches. Of course, as expected, I feel blessed and appreciated. After all, these are my primary love languages!
Why don’t you try this in your marriage relationship? For you and your partner, find out each otherâ€™s primary love language. And do something often throughout your day-to-day life to show your love based on your partner’s primary love language.
Remember a good marriage is also the key to a happy family.
To learn more about the #1 New York Times Best Seller, get a copy of The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman â€“ currently with more than six million copies sold.