Parenting Interview

It’s our pleasure to feature Asha Dornfest of Parent Hacks, a highly popular blog for parents looking for smart parenting tips, in this exclusive interview. She touched on how she started ParentHacks.com, her biggest parenting challenge, and her advice to new parents.

If you haven’t already visited her website, do it, not now, but after reading this interview. Many tips found there are submitted by parents like you.

1) Where did you get the idea for the ever popular Parent Hacks? What’s your biggest hurdle you faced in creating this site and how did you promote it?

The idea had two sources of inspiration. First, my husband, Rael, was one of the series editors for the O’Reilly Hacks series of books, so the notion of quick, unconventional solutions to problems had been spinning around our house for quite some time. Second, it occurred to me that the best advice I’d ever gotten wasn’t found in books, but shared with other parents. Boom! Parent Hacks was born. It’s the site I wish I could have read when my first child was born.

Biggest hurdle: none, really, unless you count sleep deprivation. I’m also one of the lucky few whose site got picked up early on by a few prominent bloggers, and just took off from there. I’ve done very little promotion.

2) What are the top three hacks you like the most on Parent Hacks?

Impossible to choose! I can point you to readers’ choices for the top ten Parent Hacks of last year though: Top 10 Parent Hacks of 2006

3) You’re a mother of two kids. What’s your biggest parenting challenge so far and how did you overcome it?

My biggest challenge has been to learn to trust myself. My tendency is to run around searching for answers, because someone must feel less clueless than I. Turns out that being “right” as a parent is less important than doing your best with love and humility. I’ve learned to overcome it with time and practice.

4) If there’s only one thing, what would be the best gift you can give to your children?

Unconditional acceptance and love.

5) Every parent wants a happy, confident and successful kid. What’s the best way to achieve this?

My kids are 7 and 4, so I’m not really qualified to answer that question (is anyone, really?). Besides, the answer is different for every kid. But my plan and hope is to give my kids enough encouragement to let them know I believe in them, and enough challenge for them to learn to believe in themselves.

6) What’s your advice for new parents?

Forget perfection, remember to get babysitters so you can go on dates (even if that means an hour at Starbucks between nursing sessions), and know that it will all be okay.

See also:

Interviews with other personalities and authors

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I was intrigued when I first came to know about Mark Borowski. He seems to have the magic of combining two totally different topics together: poker and parenting, in his book Big Slick Daddy: Poker Strategies for Parenting Success.

Yes, he is a poker player. In this interview, however, we’re not going to talk about poker. We’re going to talk about fatherhood, parenting and raising happy kids instead.

Here are the 15 good parenting tips from Mark. Enjoy!

1. How do you come up with the idea of linking poker to parenting as what you did in your book “Big Slick Daddy: Poker Strategies for Parenting Success”?

I attended a writing workshop for the Wisconsin Professional Speakers Association in September 2004. The workshop facilitator had us do an exercise where we listed all of our hobbies and interests on one half of a sheet of paper and all of the phrases and ideas for our book topic on the other half of the paper. Since I listed poker as one of my hobbies I made the connection to parenting and began writing with poker as the metaphor for parenting.

2. Gambling is bad. What if your children had the tendency and interest to dabble in gambling, would you allow them?

If they were still actually children, no I would not allow it. If they were young adults, I would probably allow them to make their own decision. But by that time, we would have had many conversations about the negative affects of various addictions, so as to discourage gambling.

3. If there’s only one thing, what would be the best gift you can give to your children?

Love! Show them and communicate your love to them as much as possible.

4. What’s your parenting style (eg: authoritarian, permissive, etc)? Are you happy with your style?

I believe I am Authoritative, although I have not taken an assessment. Yes, I am happy with my style since it appears to be the most effective style. I can always improve my parenting but I am satisfied with my style.

5. What’s the biggest problem you ever faced so far as a father and how did you overcome it?

My oldest daughter, Ashley, was diagnosed with diabetes at the tender age of 2 years-old. I overcame that obstacle by learning all I could about how to properly care for her. My wife and I also try to focus on the positive effects of the disease. For example, Ashley has learned discipline and self-control because she can’t follow her impulses to eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She has also learned to eat healthy and on a regular schedule. There are other benefits too.

6. Apart from being an author, you do carry other roles like trainer, speaker, and poker player. How much time do you spend with your kids and how do you balance work and family out of your busy schedule?

I started my own training business 8 years ago so I could be home 2-3 days a week with my kids. So I balance work and family by having a flexible work schedule that revolves around my family. I’m the primary caregiver in our family so I am usually the one who makes meals, packs lunches, drops off and picks up kids from school or daycare, etc. But parenting is definitely a two person job and my wife does a lot of the parenting responsibilities too.

7. What do you think are the top three mistakes most parents make when it comes to raising kids?

They make the same mistakes their parents made because they don’t consciously choose to change or improve how they were raised.

They don’t set clear limits and boundaries and hold their kids accountable.

They don’t spend enough time with them.

8. Every parent wants a happy, confident and successful kid. What’s the best way to achieve this?

To have a confident and successful kid, a parent must consistently give feedback to him, especially positive feedback. A parent must also set limits on their behavior and have high (but realistic) expectations that they communicate to him. Build a child’s self-esteem, don’t tear it down.

9. Who is your role model in being a good father and what’s the best thing you learned from him?

Honestly, I don’t think I really have a father role model. My father was a role model to a certain degree, although growing up we didn’t always have a close relationship. Probably the best thing I learned from him was the importance of discipline.

10. Every child has his own emotions and can be in bad mood once in a while. How to handle a child who is upset, misbehave and refuses to listen to you?

Giving a child a timeout often works. I also try to stay calm and talk to them, trying to find out what is wrong. If you consistently handle the same situation in the same way, I have found that eventually the child responds.

11. When is the right time to teach our kids about money and how?

It seems that kids start to learn about money when they are about 3-4 years old, which is a good time to teach them that they can not have everything they ask for in a store, etc. It helps to teach them that money is earned through work, which helps them to learn the value of something.

12. Should you reward your child when he does something good? If yes, how to do it right?

Yes, I believe rewards work well for the most part but they can be overdone. Praise and positive feedback can be rewarding enough for toddlers and sometimes for school-age children. Rewards such as money, candy, gifts/shopping, or special treats can be effective too but I would make sure they are appropriate for the behavior you are trying to reinforce and explain to your children that rewards are not given all the time.

13. What’s the best activity that you do with your kids as a father?

The best activity is probably just playing with them – but playing what they want to play, not what I want to play. It’s important to do what your kids enjoy doing and have a lot of fun doing it.

14. If your child wanted to be in a less than glamour profession (for example bus driver), would you encourage him to follow his passion or would you advise him to change course to a more glamorous and lucrative career?

I think one of the most important lessons to teach children is that they should follow their passions and be whatever they want to be. I would also help them by explaining the pros and cons of each choice but ultimately, it is their choice. As long as they are using their God-given talents to serve others, they have made a good choice, whatever it is.

15. What do you think is the best way to discover your child’s innate talents?

Two ways come to mind: 1) Be sure to involve them in different activities to help them discover what their talents are. 2) Pay attention to your children so you learn what they enjoy or are good at and talk to them about these activities.

Mark Borowski is a husband of 10 years and a father of two great kids, Ashley and Olivia. He started his own training business, The Learning Interface, when his first daughter was born so he could be more of an at-home dad and put family first. He just released a parenting book for fathers titled, “Big Slick Daddy: Poker Strategies for Parenting Success.” Learn more at his website, www.bigslickdaddy.com, or contact him at mark@bigslickdaddy.com.

See also:

Interviews with other personalities and authors

We have the privilege to interview Mark Brandenburg, a coach who helps men to be great fathers and husbands. Mark is also an author of many books and courses.

1. Usually children are closer to mom for some reason. For a dad, how does he overcome this and form a closer bond with a child?

It's important to understand that Dads get close to kids in their own way. It all depends on how we define "closeness." Dads form a bond with their kids by doing things with them and sharing experiences. Mothers often are the ones that kids will go to when they have a problem or when they want to share their day, but Dads can be involved in that too. All they need to do is to listen well, not judge too much, and to share some of their life with their kids too.

2. How not to lose our temper when our kids misbehave?

Have a plan! Practice being aware of your anger before it boils over. You can even say, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now!" This will help you to be more aware of the possibility of an angry outburst, as well as showing your kids how to express frustration in a healthy way. It will also help to employ a relaxation technique-deep breathing can be a great tool to use.

3. By working with your clients, what's the biggest problem dads face today and how to overcome it?

Dads are incredibly busy, like everyone else. They are stressed out and want to be involved in their kids’ lives, but are finding it very challenging. Dads need to make choices about their lives today and how they structure each day. They will need to say no to many things in order to spend more time with their kids-golf, TV, excessive newspaper reading, etc. There is a great personal development seminar waiting for Dads right in their own home-their kids!

4. Should you reward your child when he does something good? If yes, how to do it right?

Typically, no, rewards don't work very well. Kids who receive rewards don't tend to learn the intrinsic value of their work. Kids should learn to work around the house because that's what families do-not because they get paid for it. You don't want your kids to learn to expect a reward every time they finish a project, you want them to learn to feel satisfied that they did a job well. An occasional reward won't kill anybody, but don't use them often.

5. A personal question: Who has the most impact on you being a good father and why?

Actually, my father wasn't a particularly involved father, and he wasn't very skilled at it! I've been determined to be involved in my kids' lives, in some part because my father wasn't involved in mine. So I think you could say he had the most impact.

6. What's the best activity a dad can do when he's alone with his child?

I wouldn't say there's a single activity, but as a rule doing what your child wants to do and being absolutely in the moment when you're with them is the greatest gift you can give them. They want and need us to be with them and to enjoy our time with them.

7. How to instill discipline and raise a well-behaved child?

Very simple-Have high expectations, spell out the rules clearly and follow them. Be consistent and expect pleases and thank you's, good manners, responsibility, etc. Limit the amount you reward and punish-use consequences instead-if you don't get ready for bed in time, you lose your story! Also, it doesn't hurt to limit their time in front of screens-computer, TV, video games, etc., especially when they're young.

8. When is the right time to teach our kids about money and how?

I believe about age 6 or 7 you could start giving them a small allowance, and give them a savings jar, a spending jar, and a donations jar. Let them learn the lessons of money for themselves, and show them how you do it yourself. Show them your check book at some point and teach them how to spend and stay on a budget.

9. A father's role is always neglected and undermined. What do you think a father's role should be in raising kids?

A fathers role should be one in which he is totally involved in discipline, (not punishment), domestic duties, learning from his wife if he's married, listening well to his kids, planning outings for his family, sharing his life with them, etc. A father’s role does not have to be undermined-he needs to educate himself, improve his fathering, and take his rightful place as an equal partner in parenting.

10. When you get disrespect from your toddler (yelling at you, being rude to you, etc.), what's the best thing you can do?

Be firm, but be kind. Punishing your toddler for this behavior will not solve the problem. Who said that making your child feel worse will make them better? Let them know that that behavior isn't OK, and that if it continues they will have to leave the area, stop playing with the toy they have, etc. Give them choices, but do your best to keep your composure so they learn the skill from you. After all, you're the adult, right?
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