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Fairness: Where did a 4-year-old learn that?
Written by Speckypilot   
Thursday, 23 August 2007

I go to my mum-in-law’s place for meals often as her place is only 5 minutes walk away from my place. My nephew, Xavier, came over to my mum-in-law’s place on weekends to catch up with his grandma. He would also pop by my place once in a while during those visits.

On past visits, he knew that we have Lego sets in my home. It was given to us as a gift and our one-year-old son is still too young to understand how to play.

4-year-old Xavier came over to visit his grandma again last weekend. I met him during lunch and he requested to go to my place to play Lego sets. I offered to bring the sets over to him as I didn’t want him to mess up my place.

So I walked back to my place and back with the Lego sets after lunch. He was so happy when he saw them that he dived into the sets immediately.

After a while, he encountered problems putting together one of the models that he wished to complete. So he requested me to help him. I was kind of reluctant at the beginning as I was enjoying my afternoon laze on a couch watching TV. But I relented at the end after his repetitive requests.

So I helped him with his construction and completed what he wanted.

An hour later, we decided to go out for a walk. I asked Xavier to keep the Lego sets and many of his toys while I packed up things for my son before we made the move. Like many other kids, Xavier refused. He just wanted to go and leave all his toys behind. I said firmly that he should keep his toys first especially the ones that I just brought for him.

Guess what he said next?

“You also played the toys, why aren’t you keeping the toys too?”

His question infuriated me. I raised my voice at him, “That was rude. Who is the one who wanted to play first? Am I not the one who brought you the toys? On whose request that I played together with you?”

“Go and keep those toys!” I shouted.

He followed my instruction silently. I don’t know whether he understood what I said. Or he just did it out of fear.

I didn’t know how to better explain the situation to Xavier. I was angry because I felt manipulated. How can a four-year-old be so cunning? When I explained what happened to my wife, she didn’t think Xavier did it on purpose. He probably has a faint idea of what fairness is. He had applied it inappropriately. What do you guys think?

Speckypilot, as the name suggests, is a pilot who wears glasses and a father of one child. You can visit his blog at Specky Pilot.
Comments (5)add comment

Janice said:

  I feel that Xavier is right to ask the question. You should be helping him to keep the toys together... In this way, you are also helping him to undersand team effort other than fairness.
2007-08-23 13:18:40

Karl B said:

  Your wife is right. Where children are concerned, especially children that young, you should never attribute to manipulation and cunning that which can be explained by ignorance or immaturity.
2007-08-24 00:18:21

VEA said:

  I have experianced the same with my 4yr old nephew and my 3yr old. Wat i would do is make sure i set the example first of clearing up the toys and then ask them to join me and if they refuse i will stop clearing up and tell them they cannot have what ever it was they wanted to do when they decided to stop playing the earlier toys. (eg: watch a movie, have ice cream, or playing with another toy. until they helped clearing up.) Once they are into it then i will leave it to them and tell them what i will be doing. eg: "Ok you guys finish up here while i start preparing the ice cream, or get the movie on, etc,..
By then they will understand and continue their task. but sometimes like most kids they get distracted so i will just keep reminding them that if they have not finished clearing up, then they cant get the ice cream, movie, other toy,...
You should understand that all kids know about manipulation from infants that's how as babies, they get what they need. but kids do not use manipulation the way adults do they do it instinctively.
Be cautious though of what message you give to him. From what you explained, he may have got the message that he was bullied into clearing up even though that was not what you intended.
Just remember we are all human and we all need mistakes to grow and learn. Your nephew will learn soon with more loving guidance.
2007-08-24 11:03:24

Abel said:

  Xavier did this out of ignorance and convenience. I don't think it's as bad as you think. We have to teach kids the do's and don'ts.

VEA has great advice there. Thanks.
2007-08-24 17:08:45 | url

speckypilot2 said:

  I have thought through what happened. Yes, I should first help Xavier to keep the toys before moving on to prepare for my son. I have 'measured' Xavier's action using 'adult's' measurement which led to the feelings of being manipulated.
2007-08-31 16:46:35 | url

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