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Single mom: How do I tell my daughter about her irresponsible father

Written by Ruth Liew

Question: As I'm a single mother (my husband and I have been a part from the time I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter), how do I answer my daughter (she's 2 years and 8 months) if and when she asks me about her father -- without confusing her and making her feel that it's her fault.

I am so afraid that she will blame herself for her father's irresponsibility. So far I have never mentioned her father to her. And as she has never seen him before, it has not been an issue yet. I'm just trying to prepare myself when she starts asking questions.

Singlemom

Answer: You are right about the need to prepare answers for your child regarding her father. At every stage of her life, she will have different questions about her family. Your answers should be tailored according to her level of understanding. At two years, she may want to know whether she has a daddy. Your answer should be "Yes. You have a daddy. He is not with us right now." When she gets older, she may want to know more. You can start to give her the answers that are appropriate to her questions. Do not taint your answers with your negative feelings towards her father. This may further complicate the issues of not having her father around.

If you do not involve your child in your animosity with your ex-spouse, your child will not get hurt or blame herself for the divorce. As your child grows, you must work towards bringing her up confident and independent. She can grow up feeling loved, supported and secure in your single parent home environment.

Join a single-parent support group. You can find good help in single parents who have gone through the challenges of raising children on their own.

Ruth Liew is an expert in early childhood education, child development, parenting, and child care. She is also an author and a columnist.

See also:
Blog: Diary of a Single Mom on the Edge

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Janeen said:

My ex-husband is quite irresponsible, and I have to be very careful about how I talk about him with my son (who is eight). I decided long ago that I wasn't going to say bad things about his father to him, but sometimes I do let him know that his father and I have different ideas about certain things and I don't always agree with him.

I agree that any frustrations that you want to vent about your daughter's father should be done with other adults, and not in front of her.

I think all of Ruth's advice is excellent.

2007-07-27 07:33:17 | url

VEA said:

Thanks this is exactly what advise i needed.

I come from a divorced home too and even though until her death my mom never told me why she and my dad got divorced but as a child i remember those around me talking about my dad and as i was 5 when they were seperated, as a child, i missed my dad and all that negativity made me feel bad because i missed him and i thought that or felt that i was betraying my mom because i missed my dad. That is what i want to avoid with my child. So i needed to prepare myself for her questions about her dad and i didnt want my answers to be negative. I even thought it may be better to just tell her he was dead but, that would really make things worst if she found out one day that i lied and i didnt want that to happen to her and me. So thanks for that reply.

2007-07-29 18:04:57

lara said:

I am in the EXACT same situation with my 2 1/2 year old daughter and she JUST asked me "The Dad" question the other day. She added that she, "Really wanted a Daddy".

It is a hard hard question and I am struggling so much with how to answer it. I have searched the internet for months trying to prepare myself with an answer for this -- and have read multiple books.

To date, I have found NOTHING that seems to address the question - outside of the answer, " don't say anthing negative." -- Which, of course, anyone who cared about their child would not do.

So - IF you - or anyone out there - has an answer, I'd be soooo appreciative.

My daughters "biological" father was not interested and will call once a year but that's about it. We have not spoken directly since she was 8 months old - when I called him to ask for medical information due to her being in the hospital -- something which he did NOT seem to be able to get around to giving me.

But, here we are. Almost 2 years later. And she's wondering, "where is my dad."

2007-07-30 19:01:59

VEA said:

Hi lara,

I know exactly how you feel. I was thinking of these answers to these questions :-

1)Q: Mama, Do i have a daddy?
A: Yes honey you do.

2)Q: Mama, where is my daddy?
A: He is not here he lives very far away.

3)Q: Mama, What does he look like?
A: Here you can see this Picture. ( our wedding pictures i have about a dozen)

4) Q: Mama, Why is my daddy far away?
A: He lives there not here.

and i think that is about all i will tell her for now. next i have to prepare my self for step 2 of her questions. which is harder. the WHys!!

you can email me lara This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

2007-07-30 22:15:11

VEA said:

it's not very easy answering kids questions as well as trying to keep them safe and protected.

2007-07-30 22:18:01 | url

Mary said:

peoples need to answer more to be understand

2008-01-13 10:51:02 | url

Robyn said:

My daughter is 4 yrs old and her dad and I have been apart since she was 18 months. She saw him on and off for a year, then I wouldnt let him in hopes that he would grow up, didnt but they have been seeing each other again for the last few months and it's so hard. Shes very smart and intuitive, I worry that I talk to her about serious things that may mess her up later, but she really just takes it in and keeps going along. I agree with catering your responses to your child's age, so while vague answers work while they are toddlers, I find generalized answers that arent answers, are not enuf for her.
So my main thing that I say (who knows if its right or not lol we all just do the best we can) is that her dad loves her very much, but is making some bad choices right now, and while I dont agree with things he does sometimes, he is a good guy and does love her. Obviously this wouldnt work if your child's dad is truly a bad guy, mine isnt, just immature. As she gets older, and I stay the rock, the stability in her life, she seems to handle her dad's here-and-gone presence very well. He was here for 3 days in a row, said he would come visit the next day but didnt call for 2 days, and she didnt even ask about him. It seems like shes accepted that that is what hes like, which is sad, but Im just glad she doesnt act very hurt by it. Of course it's all in your child's personality too, how you answer them, as well as their age in development.
Good luck ladies, we are the true heroes

2008-06-07 11:34:23

Robyn said:

oh and i just had to add, i agree with keeping our children from unnecessary pain, but also i believe the more they are exposed to and live through, the more experience and tools they have for life once theyre in school, real world etc. i was very overprotected as a young child and had a hard time/still do with the harsh realities of life.

2008-06-07 11:36:16

Michelle said:

Thank you for your words Robyn! I also have a 4 year old daughter with an irresponsible dad. They used to see each other a few times a month until she was almost 3 and then it has dwindeled away to never. My daughter is definitely effected by it, her feelings come out every now and then. When they do I tell her that her dad loves her, she's a wonderful girl and has a wonderful family (my parents, etc) who love her and are here for her always. I am just starting to tell her that sometimes people make bad decisions.
It's tough. I feel for her and very much understand her pain since I had a similar situation as a child. You'd think that my experiences would really help me out....but I'm still just trying to do the best I can to answer those "daddy questions". It's especially difficult when the topic it 'mommy and daddy' and school. I just surround her with love and family and do the best I can.

2008-09-13 05:14:49

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